My mother tends to be cruel in her dementia-laden madness. As her mother was towards her, my mother is towards me. She learned that lesson well. Meanness and anger pour from her because of situations that have absolutely nothing to do with me. Whenever things that she cannot control or responsibilities that she cannot handle present themselves in her life, she lashes out at me. I can only hope that I am unlike her enough that my own children will not have to deal with an angry, nasty old bitch when I am her age. I pray that I age gracefully and with kindness and love in my heart for those who care for me, or die before I become a difficult burden for my own children.
Yesterday morning, for example, she called me on the phone, told me she thought I was becoming rather odd and that she no longer trusts me. Then, said goodbye and hung up the phone. Needless to say, I just sat there in shock, in all likelihood with my mouth hanging open, followed by a whole day and night of confusion and heartache. Odd? What does that mean? What did she dream that I did to her this time? The day before, as often happens in these cases, all was well, and she was just fine.
Is it all about money again? Does she think I am trying to steal all her “vast” riches again? Seriously? Is she angry because she has to pay me to manage her properties? Would she rather pay someone else since she is incompetent and has no business managing anything whatsoever? I don’t want her f*ing money, but NOBODY works for free. Why should I work for nothing, especially given how much effort it takes to deal with such a difficult person?!?
Perhaps it is about her driver’s license? Is it because the driver’s license department has told her she must pass their exam or lose the license? Everyone, except for my mother herself, knows that she should not be driving. The woman CAN NOT see the road! Is it because of the dental work that she needs and will cost her a little money? Is it because of the laws that changed so that her final documents need to be updated again? Hence, MONEY?!? GOOD LORD! I WISH I KNEW!!
So, here I am, once again, hurt by her words, utterly confused and writing for catharsis. I’m unable to come to terms with what is going on because it is all in her head. She wants my sister but is stuck with me. The more I try to help her, the less she likes me and believes that I have some secret nefarious purpose regarding her or her damned money. Newsflash! Unlike other people, I do not have, nor have I ever had, a secret agenda. I don’t even know how to think like that! With me, you get what you see, nothing else.
At its core, my biggest problem here is that I cannot find a way to walk away and not care because she is my mother and has no one else around here who can or will help her for no other reason except that they are family. If my sister were here, I would walk out of my mother’s life again and give us both some relief from this insanity. I only wish I could. God, help me, I wish I could.